“Remember, This Is For Posterity. So Be Honest.”

Behold: The New Face of Gestational Diabetes!
new face of diab
Because why wouldn’t I get it. I fall into exactly zero of the high-risk categories. It’s just how my body has chosen to deal this time around. Isn’t that adorable? Know what else is adorable? Not being able to eat sugar or bread during Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas seasons. So. Cute.
I have friends who are genuinely unable to eat many of the foods I’ve loved and taken for granted, and I’ve always pitied those people. I have friends who have chosen to reject foods I’ve loved for the sake of principle or belief that they are simply not healthy, and I’ve tried to understand them. Now having all the joy sucked out of eating, I pity myself. Sure, there’s a stupid legitimate “reason,” like: not making my baby too fat to deliver (ouch), or making him more prone to obesity, or passing the diabetic buck not only to him but also increasing the likelihood I myself will retain said prize–but the bottom line here is: I CAN’T EAT CAKE.

NO CAKE.

And he thought HE was sucking the life out of people...
And he thought HE was sucking the life out of people…

I’ve had to change how I think about food. I did the Atkins thing for about 26 hours back in college before I realized Screw. That. But now, in order to not plunge my face into my 4 year old’s candy bucket, I have to convince myself that I love quinoa.
Two weeks ago quinoa was a fake food.
Two weeks ago brown rice had no real purpose. (Actually, I still wonder about that since I’m only allowed 1/3 cup of it anyway.)
Two weeks ago salad was to add a splash of color to my plate.
Now it’s: Oh good! I can have an egg white omellette with cheese again for breakfast!
Now it’s: Oh thank GOODNESS, there is no bread included with this salad on the menu.
Now it’s: Oh YEY! Someone brought peanuts to the potluck!
This is what we in the business call A Turning Point. Because the alternative is abject misery for the next few months.

***

I have decided that I need to change my attitude, not only outwardly in what I say to other humans outside my family but inwardly in what I say to myself.
Pre-decision
Other Human: “So how do you like living here in Hawaii?”
Me: “It’s very beautiful!” (in my head: I really don’t like it very much at all. Please stop smiling at me with such arrogant expectation of my grateful happiness to be living in quote unquote paradise. Don’t you get tired of being hot? Your store is 87 degrees. It’s going to take me 45 minutes to get home–4 miles away.)

Post-decision
Other Human: “So how do you like living here in Hawaii?”
Me: “It’s very beautiful!” (shut up shut up it IS beautiful stop now stop now)

See? Totally different.
thumbs up

I have begun to feel guilty for putting on a face that isn’t mine when out in public but then being so negative at home. Honesty is great, but not always helpful. And it’s not that I’m trying to trick myself–I know I don’t like it here. But that doesn’t mean I can’t try to concentrate on the good stuff. If I can blissfully make it 45 minutes through traffic without really registering frustration at the painfully slow movement of vehicles because I’ve been pretending I’m the main character in a Korean Drama for most of that time, then why can’t I pretend I really don’t mind living here? Maybe if I pretend long enough, it’ll start to be true.

***

As I was opening the mirrored side medicine cabinet one morning, I caught a profile view of myself in the big main mirror. I looked a bit off. My nose looked a little more Rocky Grazziano-ish than normal. My mouth seemed crooked. Huh. Weird… So I started adjusting the medicine cabinet mirror to see my face the way it must look to other people looking at me from other angles. The results were disturbing. My mouth IS crooked. My nose DOES have a weird bend to it. Has my face always been this asymmetrical or did I just never notice? Can I blame Hawaii–I mean, pregnancy for this one too?
Bloody noses, infections that don’t really count as infections, fainting, diabetes, wicked evil leg cramps from the pits of Hell, and now shape-shifting? IS the landscape of my frakking face actually being altered? Can that happen?

***

Most likely, my face has not changed. I am only just noticing it. Just now seeing it. And I’m not pleased with some of the details. But even less pleasing is the new view of the kind of person I’m letting myself become. I don’t want to be the negative one in my home. Even if it’s in my own head.
So I have to rethink this. Again. There are two new plans, and one new plan is usually enough for me. Redesign my diet and redesign my mindset. (For real this time.) I’ll just have to deal with my face though, cuz while plastic surgery is all the rage in the K Dramas, I can’t pretend myself all the way under the knife.

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9 thoughts on ““Remember, This Is For Posterity. So Be Honest.”

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  1. I was diagnosed with GD too, luckily at 7 months so l only had 2 months of no-carb hell. The one time you are allowed to eat all the cake in the world, you can’t. I was so grumpy the whole time, until a Canadian friend sent me the BEST diabetic chocolate in the world. Good luck! 🙂

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