No Filter. No Excuse. No Escape.

I just posted a very nicely filtered photo from my Instagram account which I use primarily for business purposes.

I adore filters.
Make-up is my love language.
“Me, but enhanced” is my next tattoo.
“Lipstick” is my middle name.
You get the idea.

filter
#thankyouguywhoinventedgingham

But in reality, I feel like crap and am doing laundry in this very elegant fashion.

20171211_140451
#Samissolucky

I figured a week was long enough to feel like crap so I went to the doctor. Naturally, by “I went” I mean “Auggie and I went” because we are a packaged deal for a while longer. Which is fine. I’ve been reminded over and over again how precious this time is and how much I do actually miss my other two as toddlers. I went in today with high hopes and a good attitude.

There would be rolling with punches.
There would be tolerance.
There would be water and ducks’ backs.
Because I would one day miss these days.

I give you The Pharmacy, a play in (mercifully) One Act

Me: Ok, Auggie, just have to get Mama’s medicine and then we can go home.

Auggie: I DO NOT ACCEPT THIS PLAN!

Me: Our number is B335. Let’s just wait over here until they call us.

Auggie: I WILL DEMAND FREEDOM FROM THESE BONDS AT A DECIBEL PAINFUL TO ALL IN THE AREA!

Me: How about some water from your little Star Wars cup?

Auggie: AM I A PEASANT?! BRING ME TO THAT WATER FOUNTAIN OVER THERE SO THAT I MIGHT TRICK YOU INTO TAKING ME OUT OF THIS STROLLER AND PROCEED TO FLAILING ABOUT IN A MINDLESS FASHION WHILST SLINGING WATER ON NEARBY SICK FOLK!

Me: I have a car in the back pack, would you like to play with it?

Auggie: BEHOLD! SEE HOW I HAVE DISCOVERED THAT –THOUGH SEATED– MY LEGS REACH THE FLOOR ENOUGH TO MOVE THIS PRISON ON WHEELS BACKWARDS!

Me: (looking up at the screen) Should be aaaaaannny minute now. B335. Can you say B335?

Auggie: RELEASE ME!

Me: Would you like to go to Burger King after we get my medicine? Would you like a burger and french fries?

Auggie: I HAVE ONLY JUST BEGUUUUUUN!

Me: our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed–

Voice: Now serving B… 335…at window number…

Auggie: THE INJUSTICE OF MY CAPTIVITY WILL NOT GO UNNOTICED! THOUGH I AM TIRED AND HUNGRY I SHALL NOT BE DISTRACTED BY THE BACKPACK’S BLACK MAGIC!

Me: (looking up at the blank screen in frantic confusion) What window?

Auggie:

giphy

Me: (pleading with my eyes toward a man across from us) Did you hear the number?

Man Across From Us: (starting to panic with me) No. Why isn’t it on the screen?!

Me: (turning in a circle) Where does B335 go?

Pharmacist Behind Window Number 4: (looking visibly distressed) What was your number?

Auggie: AND THE CHAINS WITH WHICH YOU RESTRAIN ME MAY CONFINE MY BODY–BUT THEY WILL NEVER CONFINE MY VOICE! NOR MY RAGE! NOR MY CRY FOR JUSTICE! AND NOW I SHALL TAKE A DEEP RESTORATIVE BREATH–

Humans of the Pharmacy Waiting Area: (collective bracing of selves)

Pharmacist Behind Window Number 7: B335?

Man Across From Me: WINDOW NUMBER 7!

Woman Beside Me: SEVEN!

Me: THAT’S ME!

Auggie: MAKE HASTE, WOMAN! I REQUIRE MOVEMENT, AND SWIFTLY!

Pharmacist Behind Window Number 7: I’m so sorry for the wait.

Humans of the Pharmacy Waiting Area: (not as sorry as we are)

And so, clutching my bag of medications and wheeling my little cherub out of the door, I made my way to the car. Where Auggie was an absolute delight and insisted on helping me lift the back pack into the seat because he’s a “stong guy.”

Filters make us look lovely when we do not feel lovely. I believe there is a time and a place for filters. Filters take out impurities. But there are only so many impurities one can remove before one is no longer one’s true impure self. ¬†Christina Lipstick Fishburne may look great in those two shots she chose to post on Instagram, but that’s not her real name. Christina Snot Nose Fishburne is not posting much on public forums.

Ain’t nobody got time for that kinda selfie. I don’t want to immortalize my impure self. But I’d rather be a real imperfect thing than a really imperfect facade. So thank you, Auggie, for your assistance today, your gentle reminders of the importance of being earnest.

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#keepingitreal

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