All Creatures Great and Small and Dead

So there I was, after 3 fast food meals, 7 days away from home, and 12 hours on the road, scrubbing owl poop from every carpet, tile, couch, pillow, book, table, counter, and LEGO in my house. My kitchen smells like a pet store. This owl's Santa game sucked. My living room smells like an…

Let Me Eat Cake

I figure I have about 4 hours before the next episode of Welcome to Hell: 2020 begins and I'm sure you've been wondering how I've been processing all of this, so let me assure you: I'm fine. There has been a lot of cake. For my birthday in March I made my favorite cake. Our…

A Letter to My Favorite Jeans

Dear Pants, You will have noticed that your world is exceedingly dark these days. You will also have noticed that you have been relocated to a box in which your days will be exceedingly darker. Apologies. Let me explain. No. There is too much. Let me sum up... I was informed I'd be moving. I…

Aloha

Hawaii is widely acknowledged as paradise. And of course it's beautiful. It's fantastically beautiful and fantastically strange. I arrived here with the generic Hawaii expectations: Hula girls, ukuleles, beaches, drinks with little umbrellas in them. But I also arrived with my bad attitude and reluctance to give even a rat's ass about any of it,…